Faith Level : Indifferent

Hello folks!

So this was like a super long weekend for me ’cause my dear college gave me a holiday from 15th to the 20th of august and the family decided to go on a trip. The trip was to about three temples in two days. They were Bhimashankar, Ojar – one of the Ashtavinayak temple and a replica of the Sai Baba temple in Shirdi at Dehur.  Well they were all wonderful! Especially the first one i.e. Bhimashankar. It was on top of a hill and the clouds were right there so we were walking between the clouds. It was cold and so amazingly monsoon-ish. I just loved the feeling of being up there. But then again I realised something new about myself.

Usually, I go to temple trips with family (and they happen a lot) with something in my mind for God. In school till my 10th grade it used to be a list of wishes! I used to go like “okay so please let me score well this time and I will not avoid studying later” and many more wishes about weight, height, clothes, hair, crushes etc. Now they seem so super trivial. But back then I used to really be afraid of God and would not want to piss him off so that he doesn’t cause any trouble.

Then came my teenage where I used to hate God like so much. Teenage is obviously the craziest phase emotionally and physically. This caused me to hate God and blame him for all my pimples, fat, mood swings etc. There wasn’t a time in my PMS where I didn’t curse him. Here I completely stopped fearing God. He became some kind of enemy who caused me problems.

And now that I am 20 I was standing in the line of the temple and felt nothing. No love no anger no happiness. It was just me with family and being there for family. I did not want to ask God anything or give anything. There was a time in my teens where I used to even Thank him a lot. Now even the feeling of being thankful did not come. Probably ’cause I have finally entered adulthood. But certainly a different one from the religious adulthood my family has for generations.

But still I was glad to be at the temple with the crowd singing and chanting mantras.  Its a completely different and peaceful experience from standing with the same crowd in the trains and buses and throwing abuses at each other. 🙂