Arrange marriage


Dating? I don’t know if I am the person to do the whole dating shenanigan anymore. I no longer have the energy in me for it.

So I don’t have ‘Tinder’ on my phone and neither do I intend to. Instead I have another app that starts from T – Tamil matrimony.

People on dates reject you by saying ‘I’ll see you around.’ In arrange marriage language rejection is ‘the horoscopes did not match.’

The other day an Aunty told me “You should get married soon. You seem to be putting on weight.”

My response was naturally the question you are thinking, “Do married people have some gym membership scheme going on? Like which gym exactly and will I get a personal trainer or will he and I share one?”

She just looked at me and was baffled. Because I wanted to stay away from her gym for married people. It did not really seem to have worked for her.

And to be fair I thought she suggested arrange marriage as a solution to my weight situation. Far from it.

I realised later that arrange marriage is huge bubble. A huge bubble floating in space. Women inside the bubble need to weigh only 50kgs. If they weigh even 500grams more they slip out of the bubble. Hence the weight loss madness within all bride to be. It is about weighing 50kgs WITH the 3kgs of bridal wear.

As for men it isn’t easy either. Arrange marriage is super feminist like that. Both have to suffer equally in different ways. For men it is the weight of their wallets. You need to have a heavy wallet so that you are able to use it as a rock and break into the bubble. The moment your wallet seems to be losing weight because you decided to invest in your own startup like a dimwit you are blown out of the bubble.

And for those who have foreign currency in their wallet are welcomed with extra privileges in the bubble. And a foreign passport is just a splendid addition.

Now I know what you are thinking – what if guys fake their salaries until they get married? I mean a wallet could also be full of rocks.

You could not be more naive! A girl’s parents are super spies. They automatically become one when the girl becomes of ‘marriageable’ age. Or probably even before that.

They will do the cleanest background check on the guy. I mean if you told these guys that Vijay Mallya wants to marry your daughter they would have given you super detailed reports about the frauds he did and wouldn’t let Mallya even be aware of their ‘watchfulness’.

They know everything the prospective groom is upto right till his last girlfriend why they broke up, where they broke up, where was the last meal, how much did it cost and who paid for it.

They know exactly what is flowing in your bloodstream as well. Alcohol, weed, and other drugs. All of it. Some even are aware of your dealers and frequency.

Women, you are not off the hook. Your prospective mother-in-law has scanners in her eyes. She will know your height, your shoe size, waist and even how long your hair is. She will hack your phone too to get your period tracker.

This makes the bubble exceptionally ‘pure’.

For men who don’t own a property are not only out of the bubble, they are far far away where the bubble looks like a dot. They are standing next to women who are well above their ‘conceivable’ age to get married.

One of them is considered incapable of housing children. And the other one, well he is just a victim of the economy.

All in all, it is still not a bad deal. The chances of ‘settling’ etc is always left to fate. But it is still healthy to find some humour, instead of working up a sweat, at the different turns this process takes.

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