Clean away


Today I had a very very boring low day.

My face has got some heat boils. God knows why (pickles and summer). But I have also grown very irritated. It is probably the humidity.

So after I finished my office shift and was sitting at my desk scribbling random graphotherapy stuff. I decided to get up and clean my cupboard.

It has been long overdue. And what has been even more overdue is giving away things. I’ve had a tendency to hoard. It has been a thing that I made a mission in 2015, after reading about Mary Kondo the art of decluttering, to get rid of everything that I don’t need.

Apparently hoarding things in your cupboard or house in general generates negativity.

In 2015 I came home to Mom one day told her about it and we both decided to throw away things like nobody’s business.

In 2016 when we moved back to our house from our rented apartment we threw 3 carton worth of memories that we were hoarding for almost 22 years. I say memories, but they were mostly useless knick knacks. We’d take an old greeting card, “awww” at it and the next second we are tearing it apart. It’s called being #heartless.

We didn’t stop there. As we were moving out of the rented flat to the new one, we got rid of a ton of utensils. We gave away a lot of unnecessary clothes that were just lying and so many papers that were pointless.

My god and being a Hindu household the amount of Kumkum and ash and other pilgrimage “knick knacks”. They were insanely huge amount of it. My mom and I opened the cupboards, boxes and every single corner of our house to hunt for these rubbish things that were taking up space and warding off negative energy.

We were exterminating useless junk basically.

2017, it continued and now 2018.

2018 started off slow in the exterminating junk’ department. We did get rid of a bunch of stuff. But just not enough to applaud ourselves yet.

And yes, you need to maintain this practise of E.J (exterminating junk) every year. Otherwise every year, due to our collective habit as human beings to consume and be materialistic, you’ll soon find yourself amongst stuff you don’t need.

Today I gave away things that I have been hoarding since 2013 and 2014. So it never stops. Thankfully there’s no more junk from the 90s. Those things left in 2016 itself.

One of the most vivid memories of 2016 is when my Mom, Dad and I tore up over 400 business cards.

Yeah over 400! I am not even exaggerating. Even amongst those there were some that were supposed to not be torn. But Dad, unwillingly, made the hard choice and participated in our E.J. project

I don’t know how to explain how it feels.

But there’s no better feeling than getting rid of things. You may think buying that new outfit, gadget etc was awesome. But once in a while try to throw some things away.

That feeling is absolutely unbeatable by the former feeling of buying things.

Goodnight world 😘

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Nights are the toughest at times

I miss you solely because I sometimes feel very lonely.

I scroll through the twitter feed and wonder what part of the world you are in. What thoughts are you reading and thinking. Are you fast asleep or is it too soon for that in your part

Did you have a good dinner, not like I’m your mother yet I just wonder.

I wonder if you yearn for my touch as I do for yours. Not just the skin but the touch of words.

To feel your breath next to my neck. To see you fall asleep, as I do so too.

To wake up next to you oh babe. How much I yearn for that

How much I miss you. Knowing you’re somewhere out there and yet we’ve not met hurts me. It makes me feel like the universe is simply elongating the drama.

And yet I urge myself to give up hopes and expectations.

I’ve given them up both. But when it comes to you, I know you exist. Out there waiting for me as I wait for you. 🙂

And when we meet, it shall be like we were always together.

And we shall be together for the rest of our lives, till we finally attain liberation.

Mistakes


Someone just pointed out an annoying habit of mine. Something that is so wrong and annoying.

My mind began racing to find out flaws in them instead of accepting the flaw in me. This is a form of defense mechanism our brains use. I don’t know where it is rooted, because I just discovered it. It’s like when someone hits you in the spot you’re the most sensitive or weak, your immediate reaction is to find out where do they hurt the most and do the same to them.

When I realised that is what I’m doing I immediately stopped and asked myself what good is this? If life was simply a match to start ruthlessly pointing out flaws in everyone, then when will growth happen.

Yeah. The friend of mine who did point the flaw in me hit me where it hurt the most. But it was much needed. My mistake was a form of self destruction more than anything. And I want to stop.

The mistake/ flaw isn’t anything major. It’s a stupid mental exercise I perform before taking any decision where I involve too many people. I start telling a lot of people about the situation at hand and get a little too overwhelmed by everyone’s opinion on it. It is such an unnecessary, self-harming and disturbing habit. It has thankfully been brought to my notice in a very direct way.

I tried to justify it through other means in my head. But finally I want to accept this flaw and rectify it.

Every self help exercise’s first step is to address the issue. So here I am. Addressing my issue.

Thank you. 🙂

Planting seeds


Today, I rewatched the Lorax for the fifth time maybe. I know that’s not a lot. But for someone like me, who absolutely hates watching movies, it is a lot.

I remember the end of the movie very very well. Especially the quote “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot,
Nothing is going to get better. It’s not.” – Dr. Seuss

I had a screenshot of that part. I sent it to my phone and made it my wallpaper for a long time during college days.

But, that movie got me thinking about something else. About seeds. In the movie theres a boy with an aim to plant a seed as all trees are gone. The animation of the movie is beautiful and that seed becomes a very tiny plant; while it is being fought over by some characters.

This made me look outside the window and see real trees. I mean how genius is this design? One small seed becomes a massive tree in the right environment.

Then I thought a little further, one small seed and egg becomes a human. (Okay, that’s horrible phrasing. Someone get me an editor.) But one small seed. One small embryo.

And this goes for other animals too. Out of one small egg comes a chicken.

A ‘very small thing’ is what all of our origin is essentially. And somehow the world seemed a little less scary at this thought. I don’t know what did it. Probably the humbleness of all our origins.

‘The humble beginnings’.

And maybe there’s this one big seed from where all these various seeds came out of and then we were made.

Maybe the big bang was the seed finally exploding into different seeds. Who knows. And as atmosphere and dimensions changed, the characteristic of the seed changed and therefore its output changed.

But if you take it all back (planets, satellites, living beings, atoms molecules) and mesh them back together then they’d return to its original state of the big seed.

Or maybe that’s where the seeds are headed. Towards meshing back into its original state. Then calmly chilling and eventually bursting out and big bang again and repeat.

I’ve used the word seeds too many times. I should probably buy a garden and start gardening. Or a farm. Or both.

Elders


Birthdays are special and year by year they do become less and less about you and more and more about the bigger picture.

This birthday I spent with only three important elders of my life, my parents and a teacher.

It is a birthday worth remembering. Because not only did I get to eat amazing food, I found some wisdom, some patience and the joy of just being.

I don’t know if I did get any great wisdom this year, but there’s something about being in their shadow. Something so comforting and secure. I wish this for everyone to have shadows that they can seek to or be under whenever life seems overwhelming.

My life never seems that overwhelming these days only because I am able to seek guidance of the shadows that have passed or are passing.

I am very very grateful to the universe for all three of these people who are a very important part of my life.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this, but whatever it was, the reward surpasses the action for sure.

Thank you!

Psychological freedom


I recently read the word ‘psychological freedom’ on a Facebook blog post.

It made me wonder what it means to me. It means to me that whenever a thought pops into my head it is not immediately under scrutiny by mental voices that I make of people in my real life.

For example the thought of buying something and immediately someone who is miserly in my real life comes into my imagination reprimanding me.

Or other way round when I wish to be frugal and someone who is careless about money in my real life comes into my imagination.

You maybe thinking, well that is just thinking from different perspective. It is actually not, it is me giving weight to other people’s opinion on minor and major things in my life rather than my own.

If I don’t wish or do wish to buy something then my own voice must speak in my head. Not somebody else’s.

This above is a very simple example. The thoughts of major decisions in life, or thoughts and ideas when are under scrutiny then it means I lack psychological freedom.

In that post though, it said psychological freedom is about being self aware as to who you are without the external and internal filters that have come from others.

I suppose starting to make your own voice louder is a start.

But would that mean muting down others completely and being an egoistic person. Definitely not. But as the other voices speak, giving your voice a chance to speak.

I know I sound like I have too many voices in my head, but so do all of you. 😛

Grateful #1


I aimed to write something positive every day this year. And as I can see that has not played well.

So I’ll just list a few things I’ve been feeling grateful over the past days and today.

I aim to do this before any post, especially before a ‘rant’ post.

I’m grateful for:

1. Ability to make butter then ghee at home. It is a skill and an effort. I’m grateful that I have the time, money and energy to make it.

2. For family. My aunt who taught me idli batter recipe (that is in the process). For a father who constantly teaches me life lessons through his stories and for a mother who is my best cheerleader. For my uncle who told me how important it is to be organised in life in the last week.

3. For friends with whom I had an amazing weekend away at Nashik! Where we traveled ate and slept a lot! Also played a ton of badminton and some cricket. 🙂 I also updated my bollywood songs playlist. 😛

4. For shows like QI that give me brain food. Help me know more and more interesting things.

5. My maid who still fed me the best chai and poha this week. And my constant morning breakfast companion.

6. For the parlour who did an amazing job on my eyebrows!

So that’s done. Next post will be what I actually wanted to write. I plan to do this exercise just to keep myself updated on what all it is important to be grateful for. With consumption of a lot of negative news on a regular basis, and other snarky and sarcastic comments online we lose track of what is more important in life. We forget to look at the bright side which overshadows the dark side. So let’s get our sunglasses on and do this! (Sorry for this very silly joke.)

Post vacation bliss mode


I’m about to break my 14 day streak of no news, no social media and barely any screen time.

After going on a family vacation I’ve basically been on a bliss mode somewhat.

In 20minutes I’m going to start working and I hope to retain and exceed this mental bliss as I go.

But in case I’m not able to, I’d like the Sangita who now follows and plays the role of me remember the following things:

1. Be calm.

2. Life is nothing but a play, treat it like a sport and you’ll never be a loser or a winner but only winning and losing.

3. Breathe. Take deepest breaths.

4. In every stressful situation laugh it out, think of this as a part of some script that you wrote for yourself and now have to act it. 🙂 Ironically or coincidentally your favourite band is The Script and they’re good to calm you down.

5. Be in the moment, but not like the hedonist who chases the good moments only. Be in the moment even if it is unappealing. Cause this too shall pass.

6. Remember the bigger picture and calculation of Manvantara on wikipedia. This somehow calms you down and makes you realise the insignificance of human time.

7. Not every little thing that happens to you needs to be chased with a microscope. You can always redeem and have another day waiting.

8. Exercise pls.

9. Think more and more positively as opposed to negatively. Learn this from your mother.

Lastly, don’t let last minute lists stress you. I sincerely hope the bliss stays on with you forever and grows in you. If it doesn’t, all you need to do is take another vacation in the next few months. 🙂

Peace.

Post vacation bliss mode


I’m about to break my 14 day streak of no news, no social media and barely any screen time.

After going on a family vacation I’ve basically been on a bliss mode somewhat.

In 20minutes I’m going to start working and I hope to retain and exceed this mental bliss as I go.

But in case I’m not able to, I’d like the Sangita who now follows and plays the role of me remember the following things:

1. Be calm.

2. Life is nothing but a play, treat it like a sport and you’ll never be a loser or a winner but only winning and losing.

3. Breathe. Take deepest breaths.

4. In every stressful situation laugh it out, think of this as a part of some script that you wrote for yourself and now have to act it. 🙂 Ironically or coincidentally your favourite band is The Script and they’re good to calm you down.

5. Be in the moment, but not like the hedonist who chases the good moments only. Be in the moment even if it is unappealing. Cause this too shall pass.

6. Remember the bigger picture and calculation of Manvantara on wikipedia. This somehow calms you down and makes you realise the insignificance of human time.

7. Not every little thing that happens to you needs to be chased with a microscope. You can always redeem and have another day waiting.

8. Exercise pls.

9. Think more and more positively as opposed to negatively. Learn this from your mother.

Lastly, don’t let last minute lists stress you. I sincerely hope the bliss stays on with you forever and grows in you. If it doesn’t, all you need to do is take another vacation in the next few months. 🙂

Peace.

Capitalist liars


The one thing (out of many) wrong with capitalism is how dishonest we are made day to day just cause our ‘livelihood’ depends on it. A lot of us probably have annoying bosses, colleagues or even worse annoying professors.

Yet, we cannot tell anyone off. We have to just ‘suck it up’ as they say. Why? Your ‘CV’ and ‘references’. Isn’t it bizarre how much different forms of paper control us right now. Money, CVS and other stuff. None of them even need to be physical anymore. They can exist in the 2 dimensional world and still define us, box us, and make us lie.

We day in and day out are dishonest with how we actually feel about our bosses. If the boss gets something wrong it becomes an innocent mistake and if you do it is a life and death situation for you personally.

Oh, how I detest that.

If your coworker and you don’t get along, you have to resort to ‘office politics’. Why? Cause he or she is also a ‘connection’ you cannot afford to sour. Cause who knows where you may ‘need’ that connection. Oh how heartless are we made by this system.

Above and beyond those we are dishonest with live in a bubble. The idea that they are not doing anything wrong and we are all absolutely great with the on goings. We are not.

Capitalism in this way has taken away our voice.

Of course there’s inhouse reviews, but let’s be honest. How many of us are really truthful while writing those? Even our online reviews are anonymous.

Capitalism has made us dumb, look the other way, direct our feelings towards something else. I dislike it so much. There are people I want to tell to buzz off. There are moments where I want to scream how little I care about the job I do, how barely passionate I am about what the numbers say, because in the grand scheme of things this is only a play and none of it matters. Yet I’m forced to be very ‘passionate’ about it all. But honestly I am not. I cannot care less. To hell with the idea that work is what you define your life around. I no longer do. Work is merely an aspect to life which helps me with sustenance. Life is much more and much deeper than that.

It is a rather depressing post for a Wednesday. Yet, I have no alternative to this that I can present. Not yet. 🙂