Wish I could paint:. ‘Freedom’ bus

Idea for an artwork

A bus called patriarchy being driven by multiple men (and women?). But that bus has come to a halt, some of the prisoners… I mean passengers have taken iron rods and broken out. Some who have already broken out are spray painting over the word patriarchy and writing ‘equality’.

The drivers are in shock. Some of the quiet prisoners… Sorry passengers are sitting on the lawn outside with a book in their hand. Each book about by authors about feminist movements and other amazing equality stories. Reading them.

This painting/artwork will be called, “You cannot simply buy a ticket to freedom.”


Something nice: #5

Today was the first day trying out a water based moisturiser gel recommended by a friend.

It has made my face glow already after applying it just twice!

I also had a wonderful nap today. That ‘drool’ nap which is so rare yet so amaze.

Something nice: #4

As my day has ended quite late today. I’ve just found the time to write. I sorely hate the night time so much, yet I’m here stuck awake at 1am. Night time is full of uncertainties and darkness. I’m not a fan at all.

Anyways, today I was able to reach 63kg in my weight a year after weighing 74kgs! The appropriate weight for my height is 62. So not too far. 🙂 I aim to lose another 4 kilos in the coming days.

I also met a close friend. We hung out at the children’s swing set in her building after doing a bunch of random chores. We spoke about adulthood and the experiences we had in our childhood that led us to grow old too quickly. It was fitting that two adults sitting on swing sets for kids talking about how the child in them was never allowed to be a child too long. 🙂 It was beautiful cause to be able speak about it itself is enough to relieve the pain from those experiences. The more openly you’re able to speak about experiences past or present, the more courage and willingness to face it. And easier to overcome the pain. But one must also not dwell on the past so as to let it define our existence. Since existence doesn’t require definition. It just is.


Something Nice: #1

I’m going to dedicate a post to something positive every day for the next year just so I can be happier and also write more!

I’ll always remember today as the day I sat at my cousin’s house, working on a computer. In a room with all the windows closed and yet the fan is switched off. Even the thought of switching it on is making me fear the cold.

This post is dedicated to those pleasant Sunday afternoons in January where the weather is just right. 🙂 It is so rare to feel this way.

Internal monologuing

Off late I’ve been obsessed with Alan Watts. His books and audio files are my go-to boredom cure.

I would not make the mistake of defining hin as a person, definitions limit us and others. But his writings are amaze! If you’re a fan of Buddhist-Hindu philosophies then he’s your man. Inspite of being an Indian millennial I have been brought up with western books, education and thinking. I view the world through the eyes of a westerner and even buddhist and hindu philosophies. Thankfully Watts is here to the rescue.
His way of explaining the Maya is mind blowing. 

The most recent thing I read today in the book, the Way of Zen, was about how we split our mind or imagine it to be split. 

We are constantly switching between doing something and imagining ourselves doing it. Like doing workout and imagining the workout. The latter causes a lot of stress, lethargy and just basic unwillingness to do the activity. 

That means we think we are split into the voice in our head which records the activities of the other which is the body and what the voice sees through the body. 

The voice is nothing without the body and is completely dependent on it. Yet we have made the split. The voice is the sane one and the body or the heart is the insane one. We think there’s a difference. 
Like the comics of today’s world which constantly portray a struggle between the heart and the brain. In reality there’s no struggle. Because there’s no split. The more we imagine there’s a split the more we feed this imaginary concept. Like our ego. I’ll get back to the ego thing later though.

He gives this example, 

Imagine if you’re reading and you simultaneously think I’m reading, you wouldn’t be actually reading while having that thought. This means our thoughts are a one way road. You can’t have multiple numbers of them at once. Just one at a time. As I’m typing this sentence if I think “oh I’m typing a sentence” I’ll have to stop typing. 
So the split that we imagine is nothing but a stream of thoughts coming one after the another from the same source our mind. But we try to play with the ‘source’ and think oh it is this part of my body or mind talking to this part of my body or mind. It’s really not. 
This internal monologuing we have going on about our ‘life’ as a documentary is nothing thoughts lined up on a stream of them. I know it feels like a traffic jam of thoughts and my head spins too every time I ‘think’ about it. But it is good to know it is not a wide lane and that I’ll never be over crowded with too many thoughts at once. Not even two thoughts at once. Each come one after the other, like our seconds on the clock or moments in life. It is only in our imagination we speed things up and the traffic jam on our mind then causes anxiety. 
I attempted to capture what I’ve read in the book today. But words don’t do justice to his genius or the genius of the Vedic gurus and Zen masters. Hope you have a thoughtless moment today and find peace.

Moments of Past

Today I spotted some really old pictures in my PC. I went there with a purpose to find old funny videos and was not disappointed. 

Memories that are almost a decade old seemed to drag me down to nostalgia to such a great extent that I have forgotten what year it is now. Those pictures were nice and memorable but there were a few things that caught my eye. At times old pictures help you put so many things into perspective.

I used to consider myself fat when in reality I was extremely skinny. This was a result of standards for women’s beauty. And the fact that clothes almost always were tight inspite of being skinny. The only clothes that fit me well were long kurtas that were too lose for some reason.

I accidentally got my hair cut really short one of those years and I hated it back then. But now looking back at it I actually looked really good and should have enjoyed the cut.  
I just noticed one of the most important things in the pictures and that is stress. I began greying during my teenage years. There was stress at home due to rebellion and stress every where else as well. My face never looked really happy. I seemed to always be in deep thoughts or worried. Or holding on to something. I had a horrible posture and would squirm in most photos as if I did not belong there.

The whole stressed out look was a result of me holding onto the negative moments of life and wondering which one is the next. Me thinking that the moment that has transpired and is giving me stress is going to last forever. 
None of those things are true and this is something the present me has learnt or continues to learn. Life flows like a river. Holding on to a rock in between the river will only make the currents hit your face. Learn to let it go and flow. None of the moments in life last forever, life itself does not last forever.

This blog post may seem ridiculous months from now, just like some of the old selfies. But embrace the past as it were, and let it go. 🙂 The photos are really precious as they hold the most ridiculous moments. I although do think I’ve grown up to be a better and happier person than I was before and am grateful to the whole universe (which includes the people in my life) for it. 🙂 ❤ 
Just if I ever had time travel machine I’d go back to the past me and tell her nothing is forever, especially not the negative moments so let your worries go and flay your arms a little as you walk you awkward weirdo. 😛 But if I did do that it would be ironical. So I’d use my time machine for something more noble, like going to the future seeing if I’m making mistakes and rectifying them. Or probably just going and seeing what was the last and final episode of GoT. And threatening those in the present with the spoilers especially those who keep asking me to watch it. 
So let I not hold onto the past, 

Not even this moment,

Or this one,

As they all flow, one after another,

They all grow helping us better,

The future, the past and mainly the self.

Learn from it, but always let the moments go,

This one,

And this one.

Passing thoughts – Photons


Also hunger wakes me up.

I have been watching (and dozing off) to this Neil DeGrasse Tyson series called Inexplicable Universe. 

He said how photons don’t change according to time. They rather capture the images and bring it to us with light. So the image of the stars we see at night is basically multiple photons coming towards us to show what they look like and when you look inside the telescope at Proxima B (my favourite planet after Earth) the photons are 4 light years old and new ones are on its way. (Maybe I’ve got this all wrong.)

Even the sun or the moon we see are a few seconds behind. And whatever we see in light on earth is a few micro milliseconds seconds behind. It is the photons that are taking imagery and sending it to our eyes and then our brain registers as ‘yes, this is a tea cup’.

This means a couple of things:

1. Everything is Maya (or illusion)?. The world we live in is legit a series of images that pass by our eyes. ‘Is this a movie’ people often ask and it very well could be. 

2. The actions we do or way we live is also captured in photons. 

I wonder where are these photons going or how do they get destroyed. They must have a lifespan. The images I see in real life like – someone’s birthday party and store the images from photons (or are the photons themselves in my head?) will be attempted to transfer to someone else’s head who was not present at the party. This would be similar to sending photos on an email. 

I apologize for the lack of scientific jargon in the language. And also lack of complete scientific knowledge. I hope to learn something fascinating everyday. Do correct me if I’ve got this all wrong.


I went to visit one of my aunts and was bored within ten minutes in her house. This was mainly because I forgot to carry the most essential thing when you go for a sleepover – a book. 

I borrowed a book called “Wandering in the Himalayas” by Tapovan Prasad. He was one of the Hindu saints of the past. 

There are many highlights of this book and many many complex parts which I did not understand.

My puny little consumer-oriented mind could not appreciate or comprehend some aspects of the book.

As opposed to the current widespread Hindu fanaticism, this book is very straightforward and admits that even philosophies have their imperfections. 

The part on Attachment got a lot of my attention. Anything we grow attached to, has the capacity to define our moods and also the way we live. Attachment towards any object/people/idea makes those object/people/idea rule over us. We become slaves to our phones, people and ideologies.

In this world, where we are constantly trying to ‘define’ ourselves, we need to realise that the definition ultimately becomes a prison that we voluntarily put ourselves in. 

This prison ultimately eats us up. We cannot live up to the definition that we try to squeeze ourselves in. Is it not enough that the world tries to attach definitions to you, that you yourself feel the need to do it?

Attachment breeds fear. To leave this attachment cycle will be a task. I wish not to preach this to anyone. I am absolutely unqualified. This is only for myself to follow. To realise the flaws of attachment to rewards and actions. To grow more self less.

Peace out!